4 Truths About Culture Most Leaders Miss

I was sitting in an online meeting, listening to different teams present their achievements and lessons learned. The atmosphere was relaxed — it was our informal end-of-year roundup. Most teams shared highlights, success stories, and breakthroughs. The screens lit up with hearts, thumbs-up, and clapping hands.

Then, toward the end of the meeting, something shifted.

One team presented their work with the same energy — until they showed a slide titled What We’re Not Proud Of. It included data showing slower-than-expected progress, and they openly admitted a few failures — including one that involved missing a legal update, which had led to a fine.

But what they shared next was remarkable: an honest, thoughtful reflection on what they learned and how they took responsibility. (In fact, that mistake was later fully resolved and the fine remitted — though we didn’t know that yet).

Still, the atmosphere in the virtual room changed instantly.

The heart emojis were replaced by frowns. The thumbs up by probing, skeptical questions. And the clapping hands by forced smiles.

That one slide seemed to erase not only all the good that team had presented. And the energy shifted from celebration to subtle scapegoating.

The worst part was that we were just going through cultural change and a big part of it was about transparency and a learning mindset. And…we closed the meeting without saying a word about it.

1. Cultural Aboutism: Talking About Change, Rewarding Familiarity

That night, I couldn’t sleep out of guilt. Because we’d just reinforced the opposite of what we claimed to value. It was a moment of truth reflecting what we really rewarded: filtered storytelling and appearances. And the team that modeled the new culture of transparency and learning — courageously — was met with scrutiny and subtle blame.

We sent the message to the whole company: don’t do this! Don’t be too open and bring the messy truth. Stick to the highlight reel. And make it engaging and fun.

That moment exposed a deep contradiction in our system and in our commitment as a leadership team: we were talking about change, but we were living and rewarding the old culture.

This is a classical example of what I call aboutism: the habit of talking about values and change without embodying them.

We weren’t walking our culture change talk. We were performing change. Talking about values. Showing their symbols on company walls. And broadcasting messages about change. But culture change doesn’t emerge from posters and powerpoint decks. It reveals moment-by-moment. In our conversations. In how we run meetings. What we prioritize. What or who gets questioned. Or celebrated.

I decided to bring the misalignment to the next leadership team meeting. And it was uncomfortable. Because I wasn’t just pointing fingers. I was holding up a mirror — to others, but also to myself. I had stayed quiet in that meeting too…

I knew that if we didn’t own this, we’d only deepen the double message. That transparency is good…until it isn’t. And that learning is welcome…until it gets too uncomfortable and real.

To my colleagues’ credit, we managed to turn it into a shared learning moment. At the next company wide-meeting, the CEO openly shared we’d messed up. He named how we unintentionally reinforced the old culture and how we were learning to see it. He acknowledged that culture speaks in every moment. Not just when we talk about it.

2. People Aren’t Resisting. They’re Adapting.

This situation also taught us that even if we’re well-meaning and committed, we can fall into the trap of blaming people for not “getting” the new culture. But in this case, we had blamed the very people who did get it. The ones who were already modeling the future.

That’s the paradox of the messy middle. The old culture has loosened its grip, but still tries to reassert itself. The new culture is emerging, but it’s too unfamiliar for people to feel safe. So what we do, is that we fluctuate. We slip. Consistently. It’s a normal stage of transformation, not a sign that change is failing.

We often expect change to happen in neat steps. We assume that once we declare our intentions, behavior will automatically follow. If not immediately, then after a series of culture workshops and leadership trainings. And if it doesn’t, we assume it’s a mindset issue. A capability issue. Or a personality flaw. But what if we’re missing something here?

In reality, behavior often reflects adaptation to a system — not resistance to change.

In our case, teams had learned to curate positive storylines. Because that’s what got rewarded: with happy emojis, smiling board members, and favorable evaluations translating into future opportunities. And just as reliably, transparency came with subtle punishment. Distance. Questioning — often public. Less favourable evaluations translating into missed future opportunities. How can we blame people for adapting to that?

3. Systems Shape Behavior More than Intentions Do.

What I’ve learned is that before blaming people for not adapting to change, I need to pause and ask:

· What are they actually adapting to?

· What does the system reward?

· What does it discourage?

· And what’s my part in sustaining that system?

Another way systems reward and punish is through what I call the spotlight effect. People quietly learn about culture by watching.

· Who gets hired

· Who is labeled as high performer or high potential

· Who gets promoted

· Who is heard

· Who gets fired

· Who gets sidelined

· Who is silenced

· Who is labeled as difficult.

Even unconsciously, people recognize and absorb patterns. Their intuition tells them what makes you fit the mold and what makes you just tolerated.

In our case, that courageous team had already faced exclusion. Some of its members kept being overlooked for new projects or promotions. They didn’t fit the cultural norm. Partially because they didn’t match the dominant identity and partially because they were embodying something new. Which felt uncomfortable or even threatening for some. So, they were often labeled as “not ready”. And despite they were a great cultural fit, they kept being rejected for their difference.

4. Policies Don’t Create New Culture. But They Can Undermine It.

But let me be clear. It’s not just the subtle social cues that shape people’s behaviors. Sometimes, that conditioning is part of the visible company structures and processes. The past can be weaved in:

· Reward policies that incentivize individual achievement while new culture inspires collaboration

· Talent management frameworks that pigeonhole people into 9-box grids, while new culture talks about agility and unlocking people’s unique potential

· Time-tracking policies that undermine the new narrative about autonomy and trust.

The list could go on.

It’s not just that we overlook these contradictions because of the amount of change. It’s more about not even seeing them. Because we’ve learned to separate policy from culture.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that culture change equals policy change. Far from it! But misaligned policies quietly undermine even the most passionate culture change intentions.

People don’t follow culture playbooks. They follow what gets rewarded and what gets discouraged. Whether through policies or day-to-day interactions. And they adapt to what feels safe.

So if your culture change feels stuck, I invite you to consider my hard-won lesson: pause the search for who’s not getting the culture. And ask: if you changed nothing about the people, what would you need to change in the system to see a different outcome?

Original version published on Medium